Saturday, September 28, 2013

Role Playing

I had a cameo appearance in So Cal earlier this week and was able to hook up with "the Boy".  Actually, he prefers to be addressed as "son", as he calls me "dad".  Previous readers will remember it took me a while to surmount some nausea over this.  However, it's his fantasy and I have learned to work with it.  This visit I got to understand it a bit better.

As in the past, we wanted to find the door unlocked and the room darkened.  I heard him quietly sneak in and looked up to see him stripping; he grinned when our eyes met and he jumped into bed with his shorts on (only for me to promptly rip them off and fling them across the room.)

He was hungry to make out and I enjoyed having my hands explore his smooth body.  Except for his pits and bush he's hairless until you get to his thighs, which are dusted with thick course hair.  It's a pleasant ying and yang for the fingertips.  I was soon fondling his low hanging balls and had my index finger under his foreskin/it was nice to listen to him sigh and feel him thrash as I pleasured him and I was soon sucking his not yet hard cock-- as much attention I devoted to it he still didn't get fully engorged.  He was waiting for me to work his g spot, so I flipped him over and started to tongue his ass.

I love eating his ass, nearly as much as I enjoy fucking it.  It's taut and only slightly curved, almost flat.  It's easy to get my tongue deep in him, and I enjoy listening to him gasp and push back as I push my tongue back and forth.  While we've been together many times, this time I noted a disconnect from his voice when asking me if he was making daddy happy, and when he'd change position or jump up to get poppers (his normal voice.)  It was the first time that I noted two personnas simultaneously.  By then his cock was rock hard.

That night he was in a power bottom mood and mounted me and was riding back and forth on my cock, but worked with me to leave enough room for me to thrust up as he slid down; not my favorite position, but it was nice.  He was clearly enjoying it and we kept at it for quite awhile, and then he lifted off and remounted me facing away (ass to my face.)  It was a new grip on my cock and it felt sweet as he repeatedly lifted up and then slid back down to impale himself.

Eventually, however, I wanted to do the fucking and got him on his knees.  For some reason this night he had acute gut control and was clamping down and squeezing my cock as I thrust in and pulled back.  It was pretty amazing.  If we'd had started that way I would have shot quickly, but the straddling action, while nice, wasn't massaging my head and kind of put my cock and balls into a neutral:  a nice warm, soft, wet sensation, but it wasn't quite the friction that commands my balls to surrender their load.   But it was all feeling good, and I knew if he didn't nag me it would come on and he'd get a major load as I hadn't shot in a couple of days.

He was on his knees (again not my favorite position; when I want to deliver the pay load I need to have the guy pinned to the mattress and be thrusting in) but I felt it coming on; he was murmuring about how it has always been his fantasy for daddy to fuck him, and how some day he'd like to have  another man and me take turns with him to see who would cum first.  That threw off my concentration totally (actually because the possibility sounds somewhat hot.)   Then suddenly he made some reference to "when I roll play I'm thinking..." and I realized the complex duality that was going on in his head when we play.  For some reason it made it less weird for me.

Well he was soon begging for my load, but by that point my balls were singing and willing to cooperate; I didn't then cum on demand but after some sustained thrusting I felt my balls let go and could tell it was pretty substantial as the spasms lasted quite a long time and he was murmuring about how warm and wet he felt.  While I knew he'd want to go for seconds, I realized this was it as I had just returned from the East Coast and was feeling the hour.  He must have sensed it because he pressed his back to me and inserted my cock back in his ass as he vigorously stroked off; apparently be shot a huge load because he was frantic about wiping it up so I wouldn't have a wet spot to sleep in (actually it would have been way okay in a kinky way...)

Then he curled up with me and like a puppy put his head on my chest and we caught up.  He started to talk about work and to get conceptual and it was comfortable and nice and sweet; us both post orgasm, damp with cum, cuddled together and making regular conversation.  We both wanted an encore, yet recognized I was spent and he had a long drive home, so we recognized we'd enjoyed a intense prolonged fuck and that one orgasm each was banquet enough."

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Canadian Bacon

This past week found me up north in Canada and while I was busy, I did manage to work in some m2m time.  Two of the adventures were less than satisfying (and one wasn't an adventure but just plain weird; they'll be grist for another entry.)  Here I'd like to talk about two hours of mind blowing sex.

This stud came on to me and I do mean stud.  Very muscular and cut; as it was probably -2% body fat.  Shaved head, clean shaven, and manscapes as I found out as he has a nice dusting of hair but define stubble across his bod.  He must take hours evening it out, but he does have an incredible body.

He sent me a message written in the pig talk dialect:  apparently usually a top but wanted to get fucked and I inferred (correctly) he wanted to suck cock and to swallow the guy's load.  I was skeptical because Mr. Gym Rat and I are not a match in that respect.  And, the pig talk was a bit too Brad McGuire for me.  But I also realize that my cock makes a hungry hole drool.  So we set up a date.

I was busy with work engagements, came back and got a couple of delay messages:  still out drinking; at home cleaning out.  I was assuming this meant flaking as it was 11 pm but then I heard a tap at the door. 

When I opened it this gorgeous grinning guy was standing there; his smile was so warm and genuine I couldn't believe it.  He was wearing a nylon Nike long sleeve tee and the guy simply has an amazing body.  I expected him to say it wasn't a match and he was heading out.  Instead, he pulled me to him and started to make out.  And he was insatiable; he was loving making out and couldn't get enough of it.  I was wearing a robe and he shyly parted it and started to delicately explore the goods.  I decided it was time to get that Nike tee over his head and OMG, just gorgeous.

Now Mr. Stud had no attitude:  zero.  None of the "I am beautiful and have a bod you can bounce a quarter off of" (you can.)  Sweet, nice, and very appreciative of being touched and very very responsive.  His nipples are super sensitive, but he kept pulling me back to making out.  This guy defines passionate.  What was icing on the cake was the rich Canadian lilt in his accent.  Definitely the Molson man (who now, apparently, hangs at the gym.)

All I was getting was affirmation from this muscle God; he followed instruction well and his pits were undeodorized (but being squeaky clean in a macho way, despite our going at it for two hours his aroma was faint at best.  I'd like to go at them after his morning work out.)  It was a lot of groaning and sighing and moaning in an endearing but macho way.  He was hot but he was fun; extremely good natured and sweet. 

He went for the prize and gave me a nice, wet, sloppy blow job and I could tell he has achieved his goal of throating it from the repeated satisfying gagging noses when I saw his lips buried in my pubes and felt them getting drenched with his spit.

But I wanted at his bod and he was quick to do whatever I asked.   I started to work his shaft (shorter than mine but a beautiful shape and heft) and he was clearly loving it but pulled me off and said he hadn't cum in a couple of days and wanted to wait until after I'd fucked him for awhile. So, needing no further invitation, I rolled him onto his stomach and started to feast on his ass.

I don't know if anyone has serviced Mr. Stud properly before.  But his ass was a definite feast and I kept at it a genuinely long time, taking breaks to lick his taint and balls and then to suck his hole before pushing my tongue back in.  He was pretty vocal and then apologized for being too loud (he really wasn't, but this guy is a class act.)  I rolled him over and worked around his cock with my tongue and licked up to his nipples and played with his balls.  My goal was to make him crazy with lust and I was succeeding.

After awhile I got him flat on his stomach again and after leaving him wet with my spit started to massage his crack with my cock; when the head met his hole he was dialated and pushed back to meet me and it immediately yielded and sucked me in.  I wrapped my arms around him, sucked the back of his neck, started to massage his nipples and very gradually fed it into him.  He responded with several spastic shaking spells of pleasure and soon he had it all.  I pulled back slowly and finding his prostate was careful to pause and to give it short persistent jabs.  If this boy ever tops its a puzzle because he was a total bottom.  He couldn't get enough of it.

Well the Invisibleman decided he needed to graduate from the introductory to the 300 Level course.  He had some semi seizures as I made him roll onto his side and pull this thigh up for deeper penetration (I realized the soreness potential and kept it to a minimum.) But we did it all; the corkscrew fuck, short gentle jabs followed by random unannounced thrusts, him legs up on his back with his eyes bulging each time I thrust deep.  He then said at a certain point:  "we didn't discuss this; I am gathering you haven't got a condom on."  I ignored the question and continued and he nonverbally responded by pushing back to my thrusts and murmuring, "keep fucking me, don't stop."  (Later on he did ask me not to shoot in him, which put my balls on almost permanent hold.)

After the don't cum inside me direction my head changed.  I'd been imagining how to make sure I gave him a second load after the first and that clearly wasn't going to happen.  But, exploring this dude's fine bod and making out with him was banquet enough; cumming would only be the icing on the cake.  So I eased out and said I needed a bit of a break.  He started to ask me how he could please me (Jesus dude, you don't realize you are?)  He loved it, but was concerned that I was doing all the work (it was hardly work; I was a man with mission.)  As I pulled out he was worried about whether he was clean enough and bent down to sniff my cock and pleased with what he found grunted out an yum and swallowed my dick (God I love it when you pull out of a guy and he immediately goes down on you again.)  To show I wasn't an asshole I pulled him to me and we made out which made his eyes sparkle (yes, this man actually exists. This wasn't a stroke dream.)

We spooned and made out, but each time we did he grasped my cock and held it against his hole while he pushed back and pulled me in; if we just took a break of any sort he wanted my cock planted in him. 

This seriously went on for 2 hours; I had to have fucked him minimally 90 minutes of the 120 (probably because I hadn't cum.)  But it was getting late and I wanted to cum and let him know it.  I asked him where he wanted me to cum (he wasn't there yet, alas) and after initially asking where I wanted to cum (I knew I'd shatter the moment if I was candid and  said in his ass) I turned it on him and asked his fantasy.  He wanted it in his mouth and went down on me and started to give me some more sloppy head.  Now that normally doesn't work for me (I like it tight, and I like my head steadily massaged) but the whole scene and that it was this amazing wet dream sucking me that I felt the switch flip and my load rise.  Well, Mr. Molson was grunting and sucking with gusto; he'd gotten his dream.  He bent to kiss me and was surprised and jazzed that I opened my mouth and sucked his tongue in. 

Then I returned the favor, grasping his shaft hard with my lips after throating it and pulling back hard with my lips clamped together and working his shaft as my head went up and down on him.  It wasn't long (thank God, because I can't keep sucking forever, it gets tedious) and he started to thrash and I felt ongoing spurts into my mouth (probably eight sizeable ones.)  Normally I don't swallow after I've cum but in this case I wanted it, and he pulled me to him and explored my mouth with his tongue to get a taste.

Well, at that point I was looking at 6 hours of sleep if I was lucky; he was very gracious and knew he should go.  We reluctantly separated and took breaks to grasp and grope each other as he dressed and we hugged and made out at the door.  I then learned he'd left the keys with the concierge downstairs; man this guy was serious.  One of those wonderful evenings, probably never to be repeated but definitely indelibly etched on my memory.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Southern Comfort

Ah, it's been a week already.  I am at home, frustrated, as since luck would have it I started to feel shitty on Friday and on Friday afternoon threw in the towel (I left 20 minutes early, and could feel the world screeching to a halt.  Talk about Shylock.  Trust me overlords, like Gloria Gaynor, you will survive.)  So I limped away from Dracula and climbed into bed and slept 12 hours.  Fun, fun, fun!

I am currently sitting naked, but for a bathrobe, and tapping this.  I decided that since I was under the weather I could do something productive and write you all (the few of you who actually acknowledge being out there.  Btw, a literal handful away from the 1000 mark on Tumblr, though other than selecting images, not a major ounce of creativity represented there.  But I have beaten that dead horse here too many times.  I know, no images and multisyllabic words aren't sufficient stimulation for the one handed crowd...)

Despite the minimal number of my recent entries (the fact that it takes about a week for 20 people to seem to read one of my entries is a disincentive to chronicling, I thought some of you guys like Raulito, the seductively anonymous (and damned hot) Cool Top, and Bruce Chang make it more than worthwhile.  So, here's another entry for the team (or trio.)

Admittedly, I like to score as much ass as possible while traveling.  It's like collecting merit badges or completing reading books:  a trophy of sorts.  And, I definitely like to maximize access to a limited amount of soap, water, clean towels and sheets that I don't need to launder (though, I always tip housekeeping:  not because I leave a battlefield but because I do have a scintilla of social consciousness.  And, I don't leave them a mess; I treat other people the way I would like to be treated.  But, I digress, as usual...)

So I was in this really sorry assed hotel in St. Louis that was pretending to be something it wasn't.  Anything with the Holiday Inn tag is always suspect, regardless of whether they adorn it with a Crown.  (I think it was a Crowne in this case, the e persuading Joe Six Pack that it has more "class".)  Unfortunately, I arrived well before the standard check in time and dead dog tired agreed to be put into a room that was ready (for those of you who don't travel, that means you are then agreeing to sleep in steerage for full price.)  Despite being tired, however, I was as horny as a three balled tomcat.  I hadn't gotten any the night before and wanted to make another notch on the bedpost.  So, after securing a room (ahhh!!!!) I logged in to the various sites.  It was a weekday; most gents were busy but a few bit, mostly to jerk me around while they probably jerked off.  Realizing that at the outset I wasn't resentful (occasionally bored and irritated, but that is a part of the territory) and had low expectations.  One gent, working from home, was ready and randy.  Of course, he had to do a thousand and one errands (yawn.)  I took a well needed nap, and then he was actually there knocking on my door about 90 minutes later (after he'd collected his dry cleaning, bought groceries, and put the frozen food in the freezer.  Yes, this is real!  Guys actually explain this shit to you!)

I opened the door and there was a nice enough looking guy; of course he'd shaved 10 years off his profile.  My guess was semi-retired.  He was tres-southern Midwestern, in that everything he was wearing in casual attire was top of the line  from haute outlet malls (yeah, I am being super bitchy in this blog, and admit it.  But I am also not feeling well; today's alibi.) 

He was (is) pretty fit:  tennis and the pool at his condo complex.  Clean shaven, painfully carefully groomed.  Oh well, he was there...not my wet dream and surely I wasn't his.

We kissed, he seemed moderately into it.  However, he wanted my cock and savored it and got it nice and moist and wet.  It was clear what he wanted.  His cock wasn't significant and didn't get particularly engorged so without much dialog I flipped him over and attacked his ass.  It was (is) a nice ass; firm for his age, relatively small, and super clean.  He was very feline and his purring as I ate it reflected that.  His purring was so intense that he was now putty in my hands; I rubbed my cock up and down his very wet (thanks to me) ass and as my cock head adjoined his hole he eagerly pushed back to impale himself.  Major purr.

I asked if he wanted some lube, but he indicated he was good (it was super wet and tight enough but not so tight that I felt like I'd rip him or rub the epidermis off me) and we went at it:  thrust, purr.  Withdrawal:  purr, purr.  Thrust back PURR.  You get the idea. 

It felt damn good and sucked on the back of his neck.  I recognized from the outset he (and I) saw this as a maintenance fuck:  I wanted to shoot my load and he wanted his ass stretched and his prostate massaged.  I kept thrusting and withdrawing with ongoing affirmation (purr, purr, purr!!!!) and then asked "do you want it?"  He did.  And, I let it go.  I know it was a noteworthy load.

After I shot he murmured:  "I just broke a couple of rules/I don't bareback and I don't take loads" (that was redundant, but I know when to listen and certainly not to correct.)  I assured him I was clean as my cock grew flaccid and then slowly slid out of his now slack ass.  Then he was soon on his feet.

He didn't want to cum; he was good.  He quickly slid on his Ralph Lauren shorts, his Lacoste polo shirt, and sandals by some designer I don't remember, and was out the door.

Despite the fact that he was as clean as could be, I felt somewhat dirty.  Definitely cheap.  However, I quickly got over it.  After I secured and locked the door, I turned the faucet on to scalding; wet a washcloth, got it soapy, washed the operative parts, rinsed them, and took a long nap.  To paraphrase Bob Seeger, he used me and I used him and we both got our share.  Fair enough.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Cooling Off with a Polar Bear

Labor Day I found myself alone and on one of the sites found a message awaiting me.  It was a late middle aged gent looking for action, who'd been in the area for nearly a month in an extended stay hotel.  His stats and pics were nice, and he was a hungry bottom.  What wasn't there to like?  When he gave me his location I nearly passed out:  3/4 of a mile from my house.  While I chose to drive it was also an easy walk.

When I arrived he was in a tee shirt and jammers .  He has a Colonel Sanders goatee and a shock of pure white hair.  His chest is broad with defined pecs that are dusted with white hair.  And, he is a damn good kisser.

When we were chatting it up I asked if he was cleaned out and he said he'd cleaned out to the best of his ability, which had me somewhat wary.  This guy is married and on the d/l so I was expecting to get skid marks at best.  However, I got into it and decided I'd roll with the situation.

Besides being nice on the eyes, this guy had very pleasant man musk going.  If there is anything that can get me hard and keep me going it's fresh man scent and this was definitely an aroma that was pushing my buttons.  His ass was externally clean and pleasant to lick and rim; it was all good.   The only discordant note was his amazingly short cock (later when we were chatting he mentioned his daughter and I couldn't help by wonder how that was achieved:  the guy is thick but between 4 and 5".   I didn't even bother to get into sucking it.

He wasn't at all disappointed not to get head as I truly chowed down on his ass.  I'd assume this was going to be a suit up occasion, but then I noticed a behemoth open bottle of Wet and no condoms on the nightstand. I didn't ask any questions and figured I'd assume he wanted it bare until he advised me otherwise (I had both condoms and lube in my cargo shorts.) 

After reducing him to jello with my tongue I started to rub my cock head up and down his crack (he'd given it some nice head so it was moist.)  I reached over, grabbed the lube, and applied a small amount to him and to me and then pressed against him and popped in.

This guy definitely needed a maintenance visit and his grunts were affirming and I took control, directing him when to lie flat, pulling him up for better traction, and respectively rolling him right and left and making him pull up his thighs for maximum penetration.  I was giving him a no nonsense fuck and we were both loving it.  I thought he'd scream out when I stuck my tongue in his ear; he clearly loved it.  However, we were both sweating and I was getting overheated and knew I wouldn't be able to cum.  His room had one of those crappy window unit air conditioners and he didn't have it up high enough (okay gents, two men fucking generates some heat/anticipate the room is going to get warm.)  His ass was getting loose and wet and I was frustrated that I wouldn't cum.  So, despite my reservations over pulling out, I told him I needed to take a break. 

I gradually eased out expecting the worse and yet my cock was totally clean.  Better still, he rolled over and started to suck it (I love when a guy sucks my cock fresh out of his ass.) I laid back and got hard again while cooling off and then I jumped up, turned up the a/c and then returned to the bed, pushed him flat and went back in.

That proved to be just the trick:  Elasticity had  returned to his ass, and sensation to my cock:  I was sawing in and out of him like violin and bow; my cock was truly singing and I felt my load rise up and spew out.  He got extra points for pushing back against me and clamping down.

The next day I had to work and I also had stuff to get done, so I didn't hang around to palaver.  I was civilized about it, but was very shortly after donning my shorts and sandals and out the door.

Unfortunately he was tied up the next couple of nights and wasn't available; it was frustrating for me to realize he'd been so close for such a long period of time and I only got him to dip my wick once.  Apparently he periodically comes to the area/if I am lucky I'll get another chance to give him a work out again.

Monday, September 2, 2013


Currently I am waiting for the plumber to arrive.  He's most guys' wet dream:  about 5' 9", broad shouldered, muscular, tapered waist, head crowned with chestnut ringlets, long eyelashes, a broad and warming smile of perfectly even white teeth.  Recently he's grown a beard that frames his face and draws out his eyes like the matting on a print.  By mid-afternoon he's got some serious manscent going.  However, straight as an arrow (married/two kids and not at all ambivalent.)  Nothing is perfect; however, contemplating his arrival has put me in a reflective mood. 

I've been increasingly less committed to updating this chronicle but, frankly, I wonder whether anyone beyond a small number of followers even reads it, since it doesn't include pics or links to xtube vids of me fucking someone.  Perhaps I just need to consider it a diary that I've chosen to put out for public (albeit, anonymous) viewing by the rare, random person who likes reading about other guys' sexcapades.  But, it is amazing that after 4 months my tumblr blog is approaching 1000 followers, and this one has maxed at 61, with barely double digit views each day.  I don't get it as I follow a number of blogs though view are well written or even particularly interesting.

Anyway, the plumber hunk is here and while he works (and, hopefully leaves some hunkaroma in the bathroom where he's laboring) I'll tap out some reflections on nurses with whom I've connected.  I thought to do this after my latest hook up with a nurse when up in the Northwest on business last month.

I've hooked up with him before and chronicled at least one of our encounters when I was less than pleased by his failure to speak with an "inside" voice in the hallway when leaving my room after midnight (the encounter wasn't entirely nourishing, which admittedly made me even less tolerant than usual.  I figured that was more than enough to decline future overtures, but he's pretty persistent and on subsequent trips he's caught me at weak moments.

What is interesting is that without flinching this guy wanted me to fuck him bare, with the caveat that I not cum in him.  Now as a nurse he should know that my not cumming is --at best--marginally safer if I am fucking him bare (considering that I am oozing precum throughout.)  However, he is a passionate and responsive bottom and it feeds my ego when I have a bottom rooting me on I plow his hole with my big cock (okay, there was a mixed metaphor there.)

During the encore visits he's started off by hitting on me by asking that "this time it needs to be condoms" and when he senses the diminishing interest reflected by my responses he offers to play bare.  Most recently he didn't even suggest the condom condition.  He found me on line (hours after I'd bred the Alpha Dog) and when I wasn't super horny, but his willingness to be there in 30 minutes pushed me into agreeing.

It was great sex; he's kind of doughy but in a good way.  It was the standard him sucking me and me eating his ass; he's actually taller than me but has a sad small cock that offers no challenge and doesn't inspire you to want to suck it (bigger than a Vienna sausage but considerably smaller than a hot dog.)  Eating him makes him writhe in pleasure, so that's great and once I push in he wants it hard and fast.  We kept at and he got sore, but since I'd been close several times I insisted that he let me fuck him till I came; I pulled out just as it was firing, so he was relieved to feel my load spurt on his cheeks.  However, he went to the bathroom and was embarrassed to say "we'd made a mess" since he'd rushed to get there in record time.  I looked at the bed and in the ambient light only saw a faint dark streak, so concluded he was a pretty immaculate guy who was mortified.  That night I slept on the other side of the bed but in the full sunlight when I woke up realized the sheets looked like a battlefield,  prompting me to jump up and take a scalding bath (okay, probably TMI.)

Deciding to write about that experience here I thought how interesting that a nurse is willing to fuck an infrequent trick bare, and then remembered that, interestingly the two other nurses I've fucked also wanted it bare, which surprised me.  Both were guys I connected with years ago and for me, then, to bareback was something I rarely did and worried about long after (clearly not during as I went there.)

Both of the other nurses are Latino and built; one built like a brick shithouse.  He's Cuban American and incredibly muscular, cut, meaty:  a definite muscle bear, who is a serious athlete (baseball as well as other sports) and very very mellow; like being in the company of a Labrador Retriever who talks (and is smooth other than a fine coating of chest hair defining his pecs and dense pubes.)  I don't know how it got there but the two times we connected there was no discussion of wearing a condom and somehow the first time he persuaded me that was how we wanted to play.  What I remember was how intense it was wrapping my arm around this solid, big, muscular man and having him sighing with pleasure as I spread him open and spurted my load into him.   My trepidation was clearly overcome by my thought that he knew the risk and was making an educated decision (which is naïve, as if health care practitioners don't take risks like other people.  However, he is incredibly grounded in other ways.)

The other nurse who comes to mind (I am imagining that these aren't the only two nurses, and have been come on to many times by other male nurses) is from Peru and damned hot, and cute in an endearing way.  When I was hesitant to abandon the condom his response was "I trust you".  Again, I figured that this guy deals with the consequences of such decisions all the time so that this probably involves less risk than I might otherwise invite.

We were regular fuck buddies for about two years and fell out of touch.  He is totally smooth, and very muscular (but obsessed with his appearance and has had tummy tucks--twice!) with a huge cock, but an insatiable bottom (though I see him listed in his profile as a top now, though there wasn't an iota of top in him while I was fucking him, or after I came and he insisted on straddling my still hard cock to ride it while jerking off.)  I think we fell out of touch has his obsession with a perfect body intensified (he also had a straight couple as roommates, so I couldn't go over unless they weren't there, which usually meant Monday through Friday when I'd normally be at work...the challenges of assignations!)  In recent years he has approached me a couple of times, but wanted immediate gratification when I couldn't abruptly change plans.  Too bad as he's an intense kisser and sweet, as well as endowed with an amazing ass with a powerful grip.

Well, the plumber is long gone and these ruminations are coming to an end.  I'll see if I can sustain the momentum to continue to blog, but I kind of feel like I am putting notes in a bottle and throwing them out to sea.