Friday, April 26, 2013

False Positive Mind Fuck

Well, alot to catch up on, but I was distracted by my recent biannual std/hiv testing.  Last week I summoned the psychic energy and went to the clinic for my routine test.

It was a surprisingly smooth morning; I checked in and was there was only one other guy ahead of me.  I barely had time to open and start reading the paper before my number was called.  And, the nurse practioner, was an Ethiopian guy who I'd worked with last time and he recognized me, was pleasant and it was all very relaxed.  He drew blood, performed an oral swab, and took a urine sample.  All standard and good.  He filled out paperwork and indicated we needed to wait.

As usual, I asked if I could also have a rapid test before I left, as the the definitive tests required waiting a week and two weeks respectively.  So, I was led in to meet with a young practioner.  He seemed pretty cool and hip and I was checking out his taut body and wondering if he was a cyclist and possibly gay.  He was actually somewhat manic but nice.

He began by asking me if I was willing to try out some new more comprehensive rapid test that he announced was very prevalent outside the US (e.g Europe, so "of course" it would need to be more helpful, right...?).  He indicated if I agreed he had to pay me $20.  I didn't want the money, but I thought if it was going to be more comprehensive and definitive it was stupid to say no. 

Well it involved pricking four fingers/I was okay with that.  So he did so, set up the two vials, something that looked like a giant blister, and sucked up a "line" of my blood into a straw like device and then injected it into a credit card sized piece of paper.

So it was a waiting game; he was manically chatty and I was playing along, but found it really tedious and insipid when he asked me "what do you think the results will be?"  I responded I wouldn't guess what they would be but I knew what I hoped they were.

Well he directed my attention to the blister like device and indicated that it already indicated a negative result and then started to chirp about how while it usually involved 30 minutes that if someone was neg that you usually had a pretty clear idea early on.  The two vials with swabs of my blood were awaiting the alarm going off but looked fine.  Then he looked at the credit card sized device with my blood and got visibly alarmed.  He was pretty demonstrative and said "I've never seen that before!"  (the other devices reading negative and the card device reading positive.) He was freaking out and said, it was indicating positive though the other measures were indicating negative.  So he asked to prick another of my fingers and repeated the test.  Again, my blood resulted in the operative lines being crossed.  He got very visibly upset and called in other clinicians.

A cool gay dude, frankly pretty bitchy, came in and was very matter a fact about that fact that it indicated I was poz.  They started to both ask me "are you okay?"  I indicated I was just trying to wrap my head around the fact that 2/3 of the test indicated I was negative and that one third indicated positive and said "I am not trying to be in denial but is there any possibility that this isn't reading right?"  Well they wanted to make sure that I realized they thought the results we pretty seriously indicating a certainty of positive and that I'd probably become poz in the last couple of weeks and that it was a remarkably early diagnosis.  They kept pressing me about how I felt and I said "listen, if I am poz  then it is what it is and I have to deal with it.  I just want to get a definitive answer here."  I spoke to the bitchy one and said "I can deal with reality here, but have you ever had such a test read incorrectly?"  He responded "yes, I've had other false positives."  But they made it clear to me that they didn't think this was the case.  In a human moment he did acknowledge that this was the possibility that all of us who have sex with other men entertain (apparently his effort to be comforting was to confirm that he, too, likes to suck cock and, perhaps, more...)  Departing he admonished me to refrain from sex or to at least wear a condom till the final results came back (talk about condescending.)  But he also said "don't call past partners until you've gotten the final results in case we are wrong."  I thought "don't allow yourself false hope here" but also, how could I allow my recent partners to keep fucking with other guys?

Another clinician was called in; a woman.  She seemed convinced the result was definitive.  She asked me "have you had flu like symptoms?"  No.  "A rash?" No.  "Night sweats?" No.  She seemed disappointed but without doubt that I was surely poz.

Next they called in another, older guy.  He didn't remember me but he'd administered my last rapid test and after 15 minutes said "this is a negative result, there's no point in your waiting."  He was pretty cool and the least emotive of the group.  They then decided to draw more blood from my arm so that they could later meet with me to advise me of what strain of hiv and then the further actions that would be recommended "meds/etc. etc."

At that point I was kind of numb; there was no time for emotion.  I like to remain discrete and keep my doctor and insurance out of such tests (I have NO confidence such information is kept confidential) but I was convinced at that point I'd bitten it and needed to think practically:  serious diagnosis, expensive medications that I'd need my medical plan for, and a program of regular check ups.  So I bared my soul, called my health care provider, gave them my patient number, all my information, etc.  The time for discretion had apparently gone.

The young dude kept asking me if I was okay.  I kept responding to him "listen, I need to be practical here; being emotional or dramatic isn't going to accomplish anything.  If you indicated that I'd croak in a year or have an awful time getting there I'd be upset, but apparently there are ways for me to minimize the impact."  He then proceeded to (finally) be reassuring talking about guys on meds becoming nondetectable, apparently one guy who'd gotten cured (?) and that I had a long life ahead of me and how lucky I actually was for a super early diagnosis. However, he pulled out his laptop and said that "false positives have occurred in the past for those with a fatty diet."  Well, I have higher cholesterol, and I use alot of olive oil and dairy in cooking, so I don't know if that qualifies (he seemed to think it corresponded to alot of potato chips and Cheetos...)

In crises I just get super quiet and super focused as I need to exercise full concentration/this guy didn't seem to understand that.  He wrote down his inside number, urged me to call him as soon as I got my results and looked like he was going to throw up on his shoes.  I thanked him, tried to console him (geez) and left.  Awkwardly he insisted on giving me $20 for participating in the same study and then when I went to check out all the fees had been waived.

Well there was alot to process, but I thought, well assume the worst and hope for the best.  I drove away and after I was on to other things I got a call from the clinic/they'd fucked up address information and needed me to return, in person, to change and initial it all.   I thought that I was having a major run of bad luck and was pissed but went back (it essentially required my returning, parking in the underground parking garage in one building, proceeding to another, proceeding to the 10th floor, yadda yaddda yadda, to in person just affirm some address information was correct. I was then back out the door.)

I was away on business and staying in a swank hotel and had had some fun the night before and was looking forward to more.  On Growler I had this younger dude coming on to me and he was seriously hot.  So not being a shit but still being a horn dog, I figured mutual oral wouldn't hurt him, and determined to wear a condom.  It was pretty awesome (over an hour of delayed orgasms before I donned a condom) but otherwise I kept my gun in my holster the next two days.   It was a drag as I'd really looked forward to the weekend and had a tentative date lined up with the macho stud I usually fuck while in town (he's married, and we fuck raw and there was no way I was going to jeopardize him by barebacking him and I didn't want to get into why I wanted to wear a condom so I had to cancel to our mutual disappointment.)

Well it was a thoughtful week.  I pretty much reconciled myself to a whole new life, not being able to seeing regular fuck buddies ever again, and medications and regular doctor visits.  I surprised myself by how stoic I was being about it, but my attitude was that I simply needed to deal with it. Where I live it is major allergy season, so I concluded that my sneezing, aching sinuses, aching joints, and any gi symptoms were all hiv related, which was making me depressed.   I'd narrowed it down to two possible sources and was wondering how I'd deal with them when I got the final word.

Today was the day I needed to call for the first set of tests and I was preparing to do so after some meetings assuming this was the day to confirm the outcome and to plan how to proceed.  However, just as I was about to enter a meeting my phone rang and I recognized the number as familiar.  It was the clinician.

He asked me a series of questions to verify that I am who I am and then, after a seeming eternity said he wanted to call me right away as my results were brought to him today (apparently he pushed for them to be processed more quickly) and that actually I was found completely negative. He started to profusely apologize for what had happened and was yammering, but I had to go into a meeting and said "this is good news/is there anything else I need to know?"  I advised him not to send the results to my primary physician  and then thanked him and signed off.  It was surrealistic.

I was working out of the office and had a long drive back to the office/it gave me some time to process the good information --and the rattling experience-- and I saw a plant nursery and being a passionate gardener stopped off and spent 40 minutes walking around and decompressing.  These were all good guys; they all wanted the best for me; they do good work; it was a socially awkward moment for them and frankly they didn't handle it very well/however, if I'd been more fragile it could have been very messy and possibly could have hurt myself.

I'll keep getting tested, but in 14 years of regular testing this really fucked with my mind and shook my confidence in the results I might be given -- either favorable or unfavorable.  I'll have to have faith in the favorable, but otherwise to demand a second test.  All said, it was a sobering reality test.

Thursday, April 11, 2013


Well after a hiatus since Christmas my Filipino American friend and I connected again last week.  We've been in parallel solar systems the past few months and, despite good intentions were only able to align again this past Monday.  He has assigned himself a Asian stereotype moniker and I have more generously paraphrased it as "rice cake."

I had the day off and when I woke up remembered that Mondays are one his standard days off/for me it was an anomoly.  So, when I woke up I tapped him a message and was amazed by how fast he responded and that he was available; it defined serendipity.   He wanted to come over immediately; I held him off arguing I needed some coffee and to wake up reading the paper.  Being fully alert does enhance sex.

Well he was over in about 90 minutes.  He is cute, but shy and a bit withdrawn fully clothed.  He tried to break the tension with off key jokes that fall flat, but the effort is endearing.  However, we were soon making out and he was groping me and on his knees throating my cock.  He's got a cute, but small, cock.  While I enjoy pushing his buttons, sucking him doesn't do alot for me, other than making him squirm while I work his head with the tip of my tongue while tweaking his nipples. 

What I really wanted was to get at his ass.  This guy is 5' 7" and 138 lb and has an adorable tight little ass that begs to be rimmed.  His physiology alone allows you to do things to him with your tongue beyond what you can do to others.  (Essentially to get your tongue deep deep inside him and to genuinely tongue fuck him.)  I kept at it and had him panting, but he was hungry for the main course. 

Now the size of my cock is substantially multiplied when playing with a guy this size.  Patience was key after gradually penetrating him and then patiently waiting for his body to suck my cock into him.  It is critical not to move and to allow him to adjust, both mentally and physically, to the serious stretching he's experiencing.  He'd forgotten how big I am, and I needed to just hold myself up by my hands and wait for him to let me know he was ready.  He then got this hard look in his eyes and started to shove back and then demanded that I fuck him. 

While I was fucking him he asked if I'd make him my boy (again.)  And when I said yes, he said "how?"  I said I'd make him mine by breeding him.  He turned into a power bottom and was shoving up as I thrust down and demanded that I breed him, that I mark him as mine.   I don't emote, but it came on and I could feel the pleasant burn as the load moved up out of my cock.  Noting my change in thrusting and breathing he sharply asked "are you cumming?"  "Well then fuck me HARD!"

My load was out, but not being an asshole I kept thrusting and he started to frantically work his cock and quickly (thankfully) shot his load.  I laid on him and then my cock relaxed a bit and popped out.  At that point the switch flipped and the mood changed.  He asked "can I shower?" and rolled out from under me and headed to the bathroom while I studied his seriously cute buns scurrying out of the room.

It was pleasant, but it was a maintenance fuck for us and pretty business like.  He was soon dressed, pecked me at the door and let me know he'd keep in touch.

Since then I've gotten a number of "I can't wait till we do it again Daddy messages."  His roomates are traveling in a couple of weeks so I am looking forward to reconnecting with him again soon.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

No Risk?

I've actually had several pleasant escapades recently that I intend to chronicle.  However, this one was distinctive and pretty "interesting" so I want to record it now.

Last year I placed a CL ad and had a guy here on business check me out.  He wanted to hook up when he arrived, but for whatever reason it didn't work out:  something like his being available from 5:17 to 6:23 but only then on a Tuesday.  Okay, fine, no loss.

Then another trip to the area he wrote and was anxious to hook up:  I asked his availability and the days he was here he was either not available the nights I was, or he just didn't get back to me.  Trust me, I wasn't crushed with disappointment.

So early this week he contacted me again.  Now he's staying at a hotel I can walk to from my house (well not leisurely walk) so it was incredibly convenient.  As it was, it almost rounded out my tour of local hotels (yeah, there are several left to go...)  Well, after not being available two nights I proposed, wonder of all wonders he was available this past Wednesday.  Now you might ask, why did I follow through?  Well, he was actually pretty persistent this time and his pic reflected a fine looking man.

Again, another hotel with tedious "valet only" parking.  Gimme a break (though, it is pretty swank.)  I found on street parking allowing me to avoid a hard boiled, "knowing" look from the valet if I was to retrieve my car.

I arrived at his room and was ushered in, and he asked me "did you get my email?!"  We'd exchanged some emails before I left and my last had asked whether he was cleaned out and ready.  I replied I hadn't and he brusquely said "well, if you're just here to top it won't work."  Okay, I try to be cool, but this was a bit strident.  I know that my CL ad had indicated I wanted to top/apparently he only remembered the cock shot and that he wanted it.

So I quickly assessed the situation:  I was there, I was horny, I wanted to get off, I'd gone through the tedium of finding on street parking and then treking to the hotel/I wasn't ready to throw in the towel.  I decided I was okay with oral.  And then I looked at him and noticed he just had a long sleeved shirt on and a very big hardon sticking out from underneath it (apparently some ambivalence/conflict in his subconscious.)  So I said, what do you want to do?  He said oral and body contact.  Okay...

Then he insisted on making a business call, which I found really tedious.  Come on!  I felt it went beyond the essential but then it ended.

I stripped, he took off his shirt and embraced me.  About 5' 7" and very fit and trim (a swimmer) with a decided metrosexual approach (overly groomed/he must spend hours in the bathroom trimming, pummicing and using ungents.)  He actually looks a helluva lot like Anderson Cooper. 

Anyway, he's a passionate kisser so alot of tongue action ensued.  I knew the pits would be spotless (thank God no heavy cologne, which I was expecting, but in terms of full disclosure just having come from the office  I had some cologne and deodorant on from my 6 a.m. abolutions and he didn't complain.)

He liked his neck nuzzled and liked it as I proceeded to lick down to his cock.  His cock looked huge when he was standing, but I realized it was relative to his actual height.  It's a nice one, but probably 6" long and 4" thick.  I started to lick it and his balls and then took it into my mouth.  He immediately pushed me off and said "no sucking.  I am married and don't take any risks!"  Okay, at that point I was thinking, this is really tedious, but I decided to give it a bit more time.  I almost laughed at the no risk part.  If I'd wanted to crush him like a bug I would have advised him we should then lie apart and separately stroke off if that was his rule of thumb.

So, I licked his cock and teased its head with the tip of my tongue (allowed) and licked down to his balls.  Interestingly this guy did want to get rimmed.  Fine with me (but I thought:  moron!  that's a helluva lot riskier than my sucking your cock!  Your anus/colon is extremely absorbant, and what you are afraid my spit might do to your cock it will certainly deliver when I rim you.  Perhaps he just thought gonhorrea was only possible if I throated his cock...)

He is a devoted swimmer and has an incredibly cute little ass.  It was a genuine pleasure to rim.  Again, in terms of inconsistency he wanted my tongue deep in him (glad to oblige) and kept pushing back as it probed him.  Lots of saliva was getting deposited in him/probably some internal friction, albeit, minimal.  Then he loved it as I rubbed my cock up and down his crack, and actually liked his hole getting teased/any substantial pressure though and he pulled back and cautioned me.  Trust me, I wasn't trying to get in at that point, but did wonder whether some of this was a charade.  What was particularly weird was his exclaiming "I want you to cum on my ass!"  ??????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   (I didn't offer any response.  I wasn't going to spoil the mood by calling him out.)  At another point he told me how much he loves the taste of cum and wanted to lick his off my tongue.  Hmmmm. (that didn't happen, btw.  Apparently just pig talk.)

Overall it was actually pretty pleasant.  He licked my cock alot and loved playing with it, and he also loved my laying on top of him and thrusting my cock between this thighs.  Actually with him on his stomach and my doing just that I was sufficiently stimulated to pull back and to shoot on his back.  He reached back and felt it and had a look of triumph on his face.  He then directed me to grab a towel so he could wipe off (you bet sir!) and then rolled on to his back and stroked off, quickly shooting a truly amazing load...more than I produce in a week (little guys seem to do that.)

Then he was up, and it was over.  He asked me to wait while he quickly showered (why?)  I quickly dressed and impatiently waited at the door (fortunately he was quick.)   There was some small talk (oddly we have some things in common/remember the six points of separation.)  He gave me a peck at the door and I exited.  Time elapsed:  one hour.

Hmmm.  It was okayish, but definitely interesting.  Some short man syndrome here, I suspect.  But overall  recreational sex certainly introduces you to some fascinating psychology.

Monday, April 1, 2013

A Virgin?

Restless I logged into Craig's List on Saturday and responded to an ad and actually got a response.  The guy responded with alacrity in fact!  He was flying into SFO from the East Coast (must have had a layover somewhere to go back and forth in email) and was staying at a local Marriott and interested in some hot oral action.  While I wanted more than oral this was convenient to a number of errands and he was anxious to connect. 

Earlier in the day I'd been on Grindr, which in my short experience with it sucks (and apparently alot of other disgrunted subscribers from the comments posted.)  A bunch of sanctimonious guys giving other guys major attitude for not initially posting face pics on their profiles (so what if they are discreet?  If they eventually send you a pic what harm is done?) , and a bunch of flakes.  It really reminds me of the current version of (which used to be fun and then became lousy; it seems to have been bent on it's own extinction by eliminating chat rooms and not allowing guys to post explicit profile pics/I mean let's face it/guys are not logging in there looking for bible study.  Pretty prim and restrictive like it's not a hook up site/well I guess that they have functionally prevented it from being one now.)  I found out that my subscription is temporary and due to expire/I'll be glad to delete it from my phone.  But, enough ranting...

So the CL guy wrote and gave me his room number when he checked in and said the door would be open and that the room would be dark and he'd be naked and jacking and that I should come in, strip, and feed him my cock.  I arrived at his room and pushed open the door and couldn't see a thing/it was ridiculous.  I spoke into the dark and said "pal I can't see anything, can I at least put on the bathroom light?"  He responded with a laugh and said sure, and I groped around awkwardly trying to find a light switch. 

When I succeeded he was lying with his head hanging off the edge of the bed/definite cub.  About 5' 8", broad shoulders and fleshy on top of some muscle/now in his 30s he probably played some sports a long time ago in high school.  He was grinning and stroking and I fed him my cock, which he sucked with gusto.  I leaned over and started to suck his/about 5" long/3 1/2" thick:   pleasant if not "wow" material.

I got on the bed and we got into some mutual sucking and then I rolled him onto his stomach and started to eat his ass, getting him really cranked.  After awhile he rolled onto his back and had his legs up in the air and we got into some hot frottage and he wanted to kiss.  It was interesting how this was progressing because he'd made it clear in his ad and our initial email that this was to be just him sucking me off.  I had to keep swatting his hand away so he wouldn't cum first.  I was teasing his ass with my cock, and then got him back on his stomach and was rimming him and started to rub my cock up and down his crack which he was loving.  However, whenever it got close to his hole he'd warn me it was too close and that it made him nervous.  He told me he didn't want to get fucked.

What we were doing was more than satisfying and I was enjoying it for what it was.  His ass was incredibly wet from my rimming it and he had the a/c off and it was warm and we were really sweating. I put my cock between his legs and was thrusting between them.  I remarked "you must be an incredible bottom" and he advised me he'd never been fucked.

Well he was sure liking my rubbing my cock up and down his crack and was panting with lust.  He told me he wanted me to stroke off on his back.  Then suddenly he manuvered and had my cock lined up against his hole.  At first I wasn't sure that this was happening but I felt him thrusting his ass back.  I didn't initially imagine it was in at first, but he kept thrusting back and squeezing it and I realized he had about 3 inches in him.  It felt really good and I realized that he wanted to pretend what was happening wasn't happening, so I didn't say anything and let him control the action.  However, after all the frottage I was really stimulated and knew I'd blow.  Since I was enjoying it I was striving to hold off but realized I was getting to the point of no return so pulled back (surely out, actually) and then spurted on his back.  He reached back to feel it, almost as if to check that it was there and not in his hole.

Immediately he rolled onto his back and vigorously stroked off, shooting stream across his broad hairy belly and then started to giggle.  Then he said "well friend, thanks."  Wow, talk about abrupt.  He said "I'll get a towel for you" and dashed to the bathroom and dampened a washcloth and handed it to me.  Okay...suddenly he was very self confident

Fortunately it was a tee shirt/sandals/shorts day so I was soon dressed and thanked him and headed out the door.  It was fine, but could have concluded with a little more grace.  I think the term is socially awkward.  Whatever, it did the trick (pardon the pun.)